Somebody gave me this body; what do I do with it now?
It’s a very remarkable body, and nobody’s body but mine.
I’m alive and I breathe, I’m strong and tall
Won’t somebody tell me who to thank for it all?
I’m the gardener and the flower, too
And in this prison of a world I’m not alone.
When I move, when I breathe, I leave my mark
On the everlasting window pane that keeps out the dark.
It’s the mark of myself! And that mark will remain
On the cold transparence of that window pane.
Life beyond the glass may darken, day to day
But my mark on that window pane will never go away.
by Osip Mandelstam
When I heard these words I just couldn’t get them out of my mind. It stayed in my head and I felt like it was about me.
This is my body that betrayed me and tried to literally kill me yet, “what do I with it now?” Is all up to me. me and my body are one so wha tthe fuck am I going to do with it.
Sometimes I feel so out of it. I feel like outside I am cheerful and fine but inside there is this turmoil of confusion, fear, anger and I just don’t know what to do…
This poem was a big part of a movie about Russian woman who spent more than ten years in the siberian gulag and she survived it…I feel a lot like her even though our lives are so different but still that connection is there…